Setting Sexuality On The Table!

Edited 9717596_sTuesday I hosted a WEGO Health Chat addressing Sexuality & Disability but the truth is that sexuality can’t be generalized to such a heterogeneous group. The disabled and chronically ill constitute a complex diversity of humanity. We’re male, female, gay, straight, young, old and in between. When it comes to the passion department, urges and desires are equal opportunity employers. Further, life’s challenges fail to discriminate: anyone can have a trying day that inhibits the libido from coming out to play.

As for my physical realities, they’re part of the package, as much for me as everyone else, asserting enticing attractions as well as inconvenient complications. Engaging in heated flirtation while battling a slow-moving tongue may induce a feeling of “mum’s the word,” but a searing gaze recharges my mojo. Anyway, isn’t life all about point of view? Walking is my attempt to exercise control over a brigade of chronically misbehaving muscles that refuse to execute their assignments. Sauntering is embracing a saucy step with a womanly swagger – taking my derrière for an alluring ride. My Dystonia is actually an unwitting ally, initiating a turn of hip that lifts my behind in a fetching upswing!

We all face an uphill battle when we’re constantly besieged with the impossibly idealized body so all I can say is pack confidence. Owning your body with all its bumps and curves goes a long way towards owning that stride! The bigger picture is that we don’t simply access sexuality from our physical selves and a perfect human form isn’t a prerequisite. Glorified images of feminine beauty and masculine virility may set us aflutter, but they fall short of communicating the resounding meatiness of our existence. And for the record, real men…and women sit in wheelchairs. Body parts become incapacitated, not our thoughts and imaginations. The key to passion and sensuality rests within our hearts and minds.

I take my cues from the feelings a man stirs inside me and the ideas I locate within myself. For me, the core of being a woman is practicing compassion, expressing affection, finding my inner truths, and connecting with my deepest desires…which I’ll gladly set on the table with the right guy!


For further thoughts on the topic, visit WEGO Health’s recap of my Twitter Chat at

Don’t miss this article from The Guardian:

20 responses to “Setting Sexuality On The Table!

  1. i think that is all i can about handle with regard to YOUR sexuality.

    nicely written!   best regards margot


  2. Universal wisdom, beautifully said! Go, Muse!

  3. Pam, has anyone told you lately “You Rock!”? I LOVE that your blog is so real! I’m very blessed to have found the love of my life when I was 16. He’s been through it all with me. We will celebrate 23 years together this year. No matter how I move, I rock his world! Keep up the good work, Pam. I think you’re sexy! Hugs, Becky

    • Hey Becky, You’re pretty awesome yourself! There’s a lot to be said for keeping things real – that’s how we respect ourselves and gain respect from others. I really wanted this post to hit home and it seems I’ve made my mark. Sexuality is a key aspect of our lives and the disabled and chronically ill are often the object of unwarranted misconceptions that need to be laid to rest. Just doing my part. -Pamela-

  4. Hi Pam,

    miraculous description.
    I think, this is a sexuality as the person or the handicapped person handles with it. It is possible for everything, one must be only with the partner of an opinion.
    If one has no partner, it is no disgrace to use some aids. to get nice feelings.
    Sexuality does not stop also at the age. And thus it is also with handicapped people.

    Hi Pam,

    wunderbare Beschreibung.
    Ich denke, Sexualität ist das, wie die Person oder die behinderte Person damit umgeht. Es ist alles möglich, man muss sich nur mit dem Partner einer Meinung sein.
    Wenn man keinen Partner hat, ist es keine Schande, irgendwelche Hilfsmittel zu benutzen. um selbst schöne Gefühle zu bekommen.
    Sexualität macht ja auch nicht vor dem Alter halt. Und so ist es auch bei behinderten Menschen.

    • Hi Franz, The true miracle is intimacy between a male and female who connect on every level! Thank you for sharing heartfelt comments, you always add a special moment of understanding and thoughtfulness to my day, particularly this Valentine’s Day! Take care my friend. -Pamela-

  5. Hi Pam. I was able to catch part of the chat after kick starting my computer a few times and I thought it was great! I hope it can be done again. By the way, I think you need a good man who can laugh a lot!

    • Kari, I had technology problems during the chat itself (lol), so I’m right there with you on that one! Find me that good man and I’ll invite you to the wedding! Thrilled to see you’re reading, this is my labor of love. -Pam-

  6. Having Dystonia or any other disabling condition does not affect our needs to embrace our sexuality in any shape or form, however we choose, as long as we do not harm anyone else, even ourselves, unless us or they consent, by our actions. If you are positive & live independently, I think at times it can put a ‘prospective’ partner off you, as they don’t always know how to react, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as it can help you sort the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. I used to worry my Dystonias & ET harmed some of my relationships with men, but after a lot of thorough soul-searching & my own acceptance of the conditions as they’ve become more disabling over the last few years, I realised I still have a lot to offer & shouldn’t settle for second best. The week after next I will be celebrating the first year of my relationship with a lovely man, we live in different towns with some distance between us, though I was a little ‘clingy’ last year as I struggled to cope with further disability & big changes in my life, but it didn’t put him off. 🙂 I lost a few ‘good’ friends in the process of my own development, but see now how I have coped well enough without them & ones I hadn’t thought of as much that way have filled the ‘gap’ much more than the others ever could have if they had stuck around. If more people saw us as ‘real’ people with ‘real’ emotions without even seeing our disabilities, then how much better all our lives would be. Keep enjoying your life & whatever makes you happy. Am sure the right person for you will come along when you are last expecting it & good luck 🙂 xx

    • Tracey, Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt comment and sorry you had to go through those changes. I’m glad you found someone with whom you connect, not easy. One thing I do know, if our condition prevents a relationship with someone, then he’s not the right person. Frankly, I have to get over what I’ll call my “phone issues” when it comes to guys because my speech won’t matter to the right guy. Certainly, blogging and getting it all out there helps. I find the biggest problem meeting men isn’t Dystonia but that elusive thing called “chemistry.” I’ll take your good luck (lol). Take care and keep enjoying life yourself! -Pamela-

  7. Hi Pam Great job on the blog. I think more people should look inside the box not just at the wrapping. There are so good people out there that never get a fair chance.

    • Hello Donald, Love seeing you here! Couldn’t agree with you more, life’s presents are nestled inside the gift wrapping! All we can do is own ourselves as human beings and seek out people who know and love us starting from the inside. A day late, Happy Valentine’s Day Donald! -Pam-

  8. Hi Pam,

    Thanks for sharing the chronicles reference sex and disability………very interesting and usually no one talks about it! Go, girl!!

    luv, iris

    Sent from my iPad

    • Hey Iris, Unfortunately, there are a lot of things no one talks about. I tried to approach the subject of sexuality delicately- after all, my father reads my blog! But there are a lot of misconceptions floating out there that need to be addressed. Just because someone has a disability or chronic illness doesn’t mean they spend all their time in the bedroom resting! -Pam-

  9. Pam,

    it is actual in such a way that often own family (parents) sees the affected person only in such a way as they want to see it or how the general opinion sees it.
    What may not be, this had not turned back and.
    The friends who remain to one sometimes understand the affected person better than own family.
    There will be a person who loves you in such a way as you are and are turned around. Expectations, now I must find a partner, is wrong (in my eyes). Have trust in what will happen.
    I have such an Urvertrauen for nearly 10 years, since I am Reikimeister. Reiki has also helped me beside my dear wife to master the dystonia. You also can do this. One sees this in your Blog.
    I wish you to all love and good.


    es ist tatsächlich so, dass oftmals die eigene Familie (Eltern) den Betroffenen nur so sieht, wie sie es sehen wollen oder wie die allgemeine Meinung es sieht.
    Was nicht sein darf, das kann nicht sein und umgekehrt.
    Manchmal verstehen Freunde, die einem verbleiben, den Betroffenen besser als die eigene Familie.
    Es wird einen Menschen geben, der Dich so liebt, wie Du bist und umgekehrt. Eine Erwartungshaltung, ich muss jetzt einen Partner finden, ist falsch (in meinen Augen). Hab Vertrauen in das, was geschehen wird.
    Ein solches Urvertrauen habe ich seit fast 10 Jahren, seit dem ich Reikimeister bin. Reiki hat mir neben meiner lieben Ehefrau auch geholfen, die Dystonie zu meistern. Du kannst das auch. Das sieht man an Deinem Blog.
    Ich wünsche Dir alles Liebe und Gute.

    • Franz, I’m a supremely impatient person who will try to heed your most sensible advice. Interesting how my post on sexuality leads to comments on affairs of the heart, which of course are closely bound with sexuality and visa-versa. I do have belief in my soul-mate, who will love me for all that I am and all that I share. Thank you for reminding me he’s out there. -Pam-

  10. Hi Pam,
    Well there you are blazing a new trail.
    I have thought often of bringing up the subject, but was a little inhibited.
    I consider myself a reborn virgin. 😉
    I would like to have a healthy sex life, by a
    a lady who also prefers making love over lust sex. That would of course be with someone, who shared deep feelings for me too.
    As I write this, my lustful side, wants some action, lol. Pepe

    • Pepe, I must admit, I was awaiting your comment since I did address the subject of my derrière (lol)! As for what you’ve written, it’s my fervent belief that everyone has at least one soul-mate out there, even though he or she often seems to be in hiding! The better way is to live life with hope…and hopefully a good dose of sexuality, setting it on the table or elsewhere! Until next time, Pam

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