Shall We Talk?

The online dating roller coaster can lurch chills down the spine of the most seasoned Lolita, which I most certainly am not. Throwing my profile into the proverbial haystack hoping to find the needle of my dreams is an exercise of patience on the edge of insanity. Typically, my inbox is populated with suitors I’ll categorize as spam.

As you can see from this blog, I recently joined the school of “Laying It On The Line.” I aspire to shout my Dystonia from every street corner and rooftop…and also on my JDate public offering. While awaiting approval of a new essay featuring You Know Who, I broached my approach with friends, who stood united in their negative feedback. I guess the online dating marketplace isn’t ready for full disease disclosure, which would more than separate the princes from the frogs. Grudgingly, I concede sharing health details is best practiced face to face after we’ve discerned a genuine mutual interest.

On the rare occasions when I stumble upon a prospective Mr. Right, I harness my inclination to unload my Dystonia during our getting to know you minutia. Part of me is thrilled to live such a fanciful existence. No speaking, no walking, if only we could flip cyber reality with everyday life! Eden doesn’t last for long. After a few paragraphs of swordplay, most men are eager to leap to the phone and hear my voice, producing an explosion of panic that’s a 50 lb. rock at the pit of my stomach. Used to flipping cushy sentences in emails and IMs, telephone talk is a venture into an uncomfortable world.

When required to fast forward the inevitable, I prefer making the call myself, allowing the illusion of control as I improve my speech in insignificant increments with a ridiculous routine of nasal hydration, environmental manipulation, vocal preparation and lactose deprivation. Invariably, I reach their voicemail. Shouldn’t have sacrificed that latte at Starbucks.

All this self-created craziness is wrought with irony. Even when I bring up my speech, I’m sharing the unavoidably obvious. My practical purpose is to halt arbitrary conclusions in their tracks and interpose the stamp of my official record. Let’s face reality. If I don’t empower telephone beaux to serenade me with a choral refrain of “what did you say,” I’m wasting unnecessary efforts impressing my phone!

14 responses to “Shall We Talk?

  1. very funny   best regards margot

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  2. Pam, Another wonderful post! Your skill at conveying your message is always incredible AND fun to read! I look forward to what you are going to discuss next! Roxene

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  3. Why does Dystonia have to make our lives so difficult, it isn’t fair hun. Keep your chin up, your doing a great job and you will find that perfect someone when you least expect it. I did, he is out there looking for you! X

  4. When I posted this article on the Facebook groups, I noticed I was following your post “Accept Yourself” and found subtle irony and also encouragement. You’re so right to put yourself out there and say this is who I am. Hey, maybe I’ll find the hunk of my life writing this blog! Would make everything a whole lot easier and keep me away from that darn phone!

  5. I laughed a lot. What humor you have Pam. Don’t worrie a gentleman will arrive one day. Sure ! This has happened with other dystonic.

  6. Here is a website full of helpful dystonia resources. http://www.dystoniadirectory.com. I hope it helps you.

  7. Pam, you need to put this link around more, first I’ve seen it. Men want a caretaker..poo, I need a caretaker. Give me someone who has been thru it.

    • Hi Elizabeth. I’ve certainly been looking to get this blog around the block! My social media activity has skyrocketed (lol). Love your comment. We need more of that attitude! -Pam-

  8. Keep positive spirits. Mr Right will come along for you when you least expect it. Ive been looking for Mizz Right for a long time and it hasnt quite worked out however the faith must be kept. Do what you do and be you!!! He will accept you and love you regardless. Much love. -Zach-

  9. Hey Zach, Nice to see you here. Your words of encouragement mean everything to me. My hope is that you find Ms. Wonderful yourself, she’ll be a lucky lady. Stay in touch. -Pam-

  10. Hi Pam, I just read your highlighted story on the DMRF site, which led me to your blog. I would agree with the description of the online dating scene as a roller coaster, and throwing movement disorders into the mix adds a few extra twists and turns! I’ve learned from experience not to share health info until I really get to know someone; one man I told on our second date nearly left a cloud of dust in his haste to escape! Oh, well, we all have something, or so I hear…
    I’ll look forward to hearing updates on the love and life! – Monica

  11. Hi Monica, Glad you found my blog. I can totally relate to your story. I shared my dystonia with one guy during our first phone conversation before we even met. He immediately Googled dystonia and started reading about it on Wikipedia while we were speaking. As you can probably imagine, that was a bit of a disaster. The medical community is merciless with their words. I felt compelled to explain how my physical state didn’t match what he was reading! Needless to say, he didn’t pass muster with me. I would have preferred if he had let me do the explaining myself. Oh well, on to the next one. -Pam-

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